As threatened, I have returned with my stealth investigative report of the Golden Gate Kennel Association’s 105^th All Breed Dog Show this past weekend.  Although I remain a dog un-enthusiast, I must say that the expedition was a good time.  I probably could have learned just as much by re-renting the all-time classic mocumentary “Best in Show.”  But, there is something to be said for standing in line with packs of die-hard dog fanciers, paying my 32 bucks for tickets and then getting within sniffing distance of these celebrity canines.  Yup, if you really love dogs or, (as in my case), have restless kids on a rainy Saturday, a trip to one of these events is quite the adventure. The dogs and their owners are a colorful bunch and I did learn several helpful factoids that I will be weaving into my next conversational gambit shortly, such as:

1.    1. It is possible to squeeze more than 100 breeds of dogs into one place without causing any major doggie rumbles. [for exceptions please see number 9]

2.    2. Those vendors around the rings really do sell every conceivable dog product, including:  reflective dog coats, purple pooper scoopers, “chew” shoes, fine dog cakes and my favorite – feathered hand fans.

3.   3. Doggies get reiki treatments while they wait for their show time.

4.   4. Owners will insist on meticulously spritzing water on their dogs and tease their hair – even when the dogs are hairless.

5.   5. The people at these shows do bear a striking resemblance to their dogs.

6.   6. Most of the best bouffant hairstyles are worn by dogs, not humans.

7.   7. There may be some doggie divas in the bunch but they all still take their dumps in the same undignified way – squatting over sawdust in the far back corner of the Quonset hut and their handlers still have to scoop it up.

8.    8. Watching the Best in Show competition is a fail-safe way to prompt the long-suffering husband or partner to start recalling every dirty joke he ever learned and his insistence on sharing them ALL with you throughout the competition.

9.    9. Pit bulls (or Staffordshire Bull Terriers as the breeders like to say) will try to eat the yorkies or poodles (or in fact most of the other 99 breeds at the show) if they are housed too closely next to them.

       10. Your children will whine for a dog for a long, long time after seeing one of these shows.

Seriously, we all had a great time and although the kids did leave howling for a puppy to go along with their “already stinky” old dog (sorry Augie), they remain fairly flexible as to time-frame.  Ironically, they are now both fixated on acquiring a labradoodle puppy – a hybrid doggie that isn’t even acknowledged by the Golden Gate Kennel Club as an “authentic breed” in doggiedom.  (You gotta give the kids extra points for the perversity of that one, right?)  In any event, I figure I can string them along for a few more years and squeeze in a couple more of the dog shows before giving into the “new puppy” demand.  Then again….puppies are awfully cute.